Using Dominating Mode, we focus on the negative. We believe we are right & may take an adversarial 'me or you' stance. We want obedience from others, notice mistakes & find fault in order to improve people or situations, from a point of view of knowing better. We persuade or coerce others into compliance, including ourselves, using warnings, threats or sometimes even punishments in order to teach a lesson. Others may indeed comply, but may also respond by resisting or rebelling.
Using Marshmallowing Mode, we confuse wants with needs & over-supply others with help, attention & material goods, though this may not be beneficial in the long term. Over-indulgence is the result & recipients finish up sad & angry rather than grateful which leads to confusion & frustration on both sides. In this mode we don’t realise that inappropriate assistance hinders rather than helps, & that lack of consistent limits & expectations is harmful to people’s health & development
Using Structuring Mode, we actively empower others by our ways of inspiring confidence & motivation. We set appropriately firm limits & high expectations, providing the boundaries for others to feel secure enough to grow & learn. We believe in people’s potential for success & offer the help & support that is needed. We focus on the positive, believing that whatever gets attention is likely to increase. In response, people tend to do their best, & develop their own competence & self-confidence.
Using Nurturing Mode, we respond empathically to others, including ourselves, appreciating how people may be feeling & responding appropriately to their needs. We use understanding & kindness to express non-judgemental acceptance of ourselves & others which encourages people to be more fully themselves. Being available for people in this way promotes healthy self-acceptance & the positive attitudes which support healing & the building of self esteem.
Using Accounting Mode we are ‘with it’ & in tune with our own internal states as well as sensitive & receptive to stimuli from others & the environment. We take an objective attitude & keep things in proportion. Accounting also means making logical sense of available data so that decision making & actions can be based on relevant & realistic assessment of the current situation. Accounting is an essential component of effective use of the four other positive modes.
Using Cooperative Mode, we show assertive friendliness & consideration for others. We stand up for ourselves in socially acceptable ways, & are willing to listen & negotiate from an I’m OK - You’re OK standpoint. We feel confident about handling social situations because we can rely on our skills of diplomacy & assertiveness, expecting for ourselves the same respect that we show to others. In this mode, we get on well with others & enjoy company at work & leisure.
Using Spontaneous Mode, we often have a playful attitude which lets our creativity flow freely. We access energy & motivation to use our unique & original ideas both in response to situations & to take initiatives. Our vitality is infectious & enjoyable. We feel, & express what we feel, freely, without any inhibition or censorship, & yet also keep an age-appropriate sense of proportion. Individual temperamental style will influence our level of natural exuberance in this mode.
Using Compliant/Resistant Mode, we often favour one of the two styles, depending on how we have learned in the past to cope with demands we have found too difficult. In the Compliant style we conform, make concessions & try to please others. We often feel nervous about doing things, scared of making mistakes. In the Resistant style, we vary between mild obstinacy & outright aggressive rebellion. Sometimes we switch from one style to the other depending on the context.
Using Immature mode, we don’t take fully grown-up view-points or responsibilities. We leave others to take precautions, do maintenance jobs or the clearing up unless it happens to suit us or we are made to do it. We don’t enjoy sharing or taking turns, & often fail to see how our actions may be affecting others, & what the consequences of this lack of care or consideration might be. Emotional expression is sometimes out of control & may be out of proportion to the circumstances.